Current Mood: Depressed
I am open to sharing my past and thoughts, but not trusting people. I keep them at a distance. I always have. Even best friends that I had when I was in junior high and elementary, I kept them afar. I don't know how to be close to people.
I'm not sure how to express my love without being scared. I just keep all my lovey feelings to myself. (friends, relationships) Family members are the only ones I'm able to be that comfortable around. To tell them how much I love them and not be scared for what they think because I know they will love me no matter what. No matter how scared I am, no matter how worried I get and how much I hide away... they are there, supporting me and helping me through every trouble I have.
With outsiders, it's nearly impossible to get this to point. Only two people have: Kenny & Spencer. They not only have always been there but have pushed to be my friends. Showing up randomly at my house but also gave me time when I need to be alone. They know that even when I'm hermitting, that I love them. That I don't have to talk to them every day for them to know that. That's why I can tell them everything, because they UNDERSTAND.
I love other friends, but they don't understand. They get mad when I don't talk to them for a week. They don't understand that I need time to myself. That even talking with them is hard for me. Being social is hard for me. "If you care about me, you'd make time for me!" It's not that I don't have time. It's that I need time to build up energy and strength. It's like.... being an outcast without anyone there to know how you feel.
Sadly, once I care... I always care. Why it's hard being friends with people. Even to those who don't understand. I love them, even when we don't talk for a month. My anxiety doesn't make me stop loving people, makes me love harder than normal people but unable to express it.
I'm a silent lover.
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A lot of us have issues like that, I know I do. I tend to hermit myself away at times too, just ask anyone I know, but all we can do is just try our best and if people won't/cant understand then perhaps its not worth the headache. I know ya don't know me well but I'm around if ya need me :)
ReplyDeleteSephiroht
I loved how you ended this post, that single phrase encapsules everything haha.
ReplyDeleteMy friends/acquaintances probably think I'm a random/sporadic guy because of that. I'm not that constant when contacting people here as well. I don't want to be seen as pushy, and well I'm not that great at small talk either... so it's best to save it for a decent/meaningful conversation I guess xD. It's hard to be socially awkward when the majority take social skills for granted.