Current Mood: Proud
Yesterday was a mixture of terror and accomplishments by having a panic attack and not letting it ruin my day. When I have a full blown attack, I feel as if my heart is going to jump out of my chest and explode, it's painful. While the rest of body, from fingers to toes, feels numb and light as if I'm a feather. The numbness and uncomfortable feelings makes me constantly move, thumping my leg to moving my hands constantly. Then we have the uncontrollable crying, where I can't hold it back no matter how much I want to. And I had one yesterday over buying beer and chicken.
That last sentence might be making you go: "WTF? BEER + CHICKEN = PANIC ATTACK? LOL WUT!" Sadly, I'm not kidding. Currently Wednesdays are my local DnD games and thus I get a bit anxious before showing up. I love them bunches, but I still get a bit nervous every time. And well, I also hate eating in front of people. Especially when it's in their house and I'm not use to them. Eating snacks are fine, but not a meal. Which I told Ron and so we were just going to grab something fast at Smiths (grocery store) because it was already time to head over there. I was just planning on eating on the way there.
So I was already feeling a bit anxious, then we decided to buy beer and drink while we played dnd. Now I hate buying alcohol. Here are some of the thoughts that go through my head when I do: "I'm 21 but I look 15, will they even believe my I.D.?" "I look nothing like my I.D.!!!!" "Will they refuse me?" "Will they give me weird looks?" Which, they always look at me weird and do double takes. In my I.D. I look like an emo boy, really short black hair. Now I have long hair... D:
At the time we got to the store, I was feeling really anxious and awful. We go over to the deli to grab something to eat and Ron takes me over to the chicken. BLAM! Instant panic attack! "I can't eat that fast enough on the way there!" "It's messy and I'll spill on myself and look weird!" Everything mixed together in a big wave of fear and misery.
The symptoms hit me and I could barely hold together from sobbing. I remember how terrible it felt and looking at the people, trying to not let them see me so upset. It almost felt like slow motion inside the store. I had to quickly leave it. I waited in the car, and even tweeted about my attack. But why that time, it was too late and I just cried.
I tried very hard to calm myself down, but more anxieties hit me. We even waited outside her house for me to calm down, but I just continued to cry and feel awful. My body hurt and for the life of me, I couldn't relax. Then I started to feel rude. "I can't go to DnD!" "I'll freak out again, I can't even calm down!" So he took me back and tried to calm me down.
"I can't even go to the store!" "How can I live a normal life?" "I wish I was normal!" "They were counting on me!" "I don't want to disappoint them." I apologized over and over, still panicked. I cried for a good hour until I calmed down enough to keep the anxiety level around a 6. (out of 10) I was able to watch some tv shows and relax for a bit.
After 2 hours I was fine and talked myself into going to DnD. Well, to be honest, it was all the encouragement I was getting from you guys. You uplifted me and helped me so much. "I can do this!" And I did. I went back to DnD, who were all so kind to me and very understanding. Had a blast! I didn't freak out again and felt wonderful about it.
So, yes, I had a panic attack but I didn't let it ruin my day. Which, if you have it... you'd understand how hard that is. We tend to be panicked the rest of the day. And I want to thank you all. Every nice word, every internet hug encouraged me and gave me strength. Being more opened with all of you was a good idea, it is helping.
Thank you.
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Have you looked into meditation? One of the things my therapist taught me long ago, was that relaxing and meditation is a pretty good way to come down off of panic attacks, and ultimately prevent them from happening.
ReplyDeleteI know our situations are different, but let me tell a bit of my story. 6 years ago, I had a pretty nasty breakdown, emotionally and mentally. I tried to kill myself, and was put into the hospital, then into a psychiatric hospital where I was diagnosed as Bipolar disorder and depression.
Shortly thereafter, I started having panic attacks regularly, started shunning my friends, strangers, etc. I lived vicariously through the internet.
At first, meditation helped me come down off of my panic attacks. Then, I started meditating as a sort of mental preparation for enduring other people. When things start to get tense, I find a place where I can quickly re-focus, calm down, find my center. Even if it's in the middle of a grocery store, driving, working, etc.
I'm not saying it's the end-all answer, but it worked for me and it's worth a shot. I hope you work through this.
"I'm 21 but I look 15, will they even believe my I.D.?" "I look nothing like my I.D.!!!!"
ReplyDeleteI totally understand why those thoughts popped into your mind. I know one of my friends has the same issues and makes me buy that stuff sometimes.
Really I am just glad you got it managed and was able to have a good time. You can do it Rose. I used to have a friend named Chelsea who had panic attacks every time she got into a car and I could empathize with her because I've had severe anxiety about driving a car for more years then I'd care to admit. So for the two of us it both came down to having someone there to give us strength so I am happy to see you getting it from everyone :D
@Jedi, It's amazing that you over came the panic attacks. I look up to you for that. Especially through something hard like that. Honestly, I think depression is far worse than anxiety. Actually, I think I'll blog about why I think so later. And I've tried to meditate but I can't focus my mind. I think wayyyyy tooo much. Even when I'm not in a panicked mood, I can't focus my thoughts enough to meditate. And when I'm panicked, I obsess on the negativity. (aka my current fear)
ReplyDelete@StarDew Driving is scary, and I have huge anxieties about it and that's why I havent learned how to drive yet. Driver's Ed in school was bad. But thank you, it's heart warming to hear that others understand
The great thing is that you win sometimes. As long as you don't get beaten every time you are still alive and you are a person, not a living vessel of anxiety. I worded that strangely, but be reminded that I support you and will give you a big ugly hairy guy hug whenever you need one!
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