Podcasts & Livestreams

Current Mood: Calm
All day my mind has been wrapped around a podcast I was suppose to do with my group of friends. It ended up getting canceled, and I'd be lieing if I said that I wasn't happy about it. Has nothing to do with the actual people, I love them and they have always been sweet to me. But knowing that it will be recorded and others will listen to it freaks me out. Stage fright.



The thoughts that went through my head today: What will we talk about? Will they ask why I've been gone, what do I tell them? Will they think I'm lame for being so scared? Will they be mad that I haven't talked to them in awhile? What if they ask about subjects I don't know? What if they ask stuff I know but I forget? (happens all the time, i can't think well in fear) What If I'm boring? What if I say something stupid? 


I don't work well under pressure, actually, I tend to shut down and especially in panic attacks. I get so worked up that I'll be evaluated and I hate being judged. It scares me that I'll sound lame, stupid or be boring. I'm fine talking to them in a skype call, we be silly and just have fun. But once it becomes a podcast, being recorded for other people... it has extreme pressure to perform. That I'm being counted on. And that terrifies me. I don't want to disappoint anyone. 


Livestreams are even worse! It's LIVE! I can't re-say something and if I embarrass myself, I can't over come it. It happened. People were watching. Especially if people are watching me, I get very nervous and awkward. I'll stumble over things and usually repeat words. (How's the weather? How are you?) 


I've done livestreams, but have you guys noticed something that I do pretty much EVERY time? Drunk livestreams. It's the only way I won't worry. I won't care what I say, about embarrassing myself and I'll say anything on my mind. Whether its funny or ridiculous, i don't hold back. It's like I don't have anxiety. And in those moments, I love it. To be able to share everything without worry is amazing! However, that's only a quick fix and if abused it could be bad so I don't do it often. 


I wanted to talk about when I was NurseJoy, in Mickey's love advice podcast. Now that was tough. When I was asked by him to join, I didn't want to do it. I immediately went into a panic attack. I'd say 7 out of 1-10 scale. I've always loved perverted humor and that's one of the reasons why I was going to be in it, to bring that it into the show. Pressure. Even though it terrified me.... I knew I had to accept, that it would help me. The only people that knew how terrified was Kenny, my best friend, and my mom. 


The show would be recorded live and with around 200+ people watching. Then it would be posted up later for others to watch. The questions would be read live, meaning, I had to think on the spot... This is one of the hardest things I had to ever do in my life. Sound silly, right?


Tons of girls would jump for a chance like this, while I just didn't want to disappoint Mickey. He had faith in me, so I should at least try my best and that I did. 


The first show, I was shaking. I was so terrified that of course I was in a panic attack. I was in one  for the entire day.... it getting worse as the time got closer to it. 10 (1-10 scale) by the time it started. My heart raced, I could barely keep myself from running. oh.. how I wanted to. But I had to stay and keep going, I don't want to fail someone counting on me. No matter how small. 


I pushed myself beyond what I thought I could handle. And by the time it got half way through the show, I calmed down quite a bit and felt more comfortable. However, you think after the first show I'd be fine with the others, right? Nope! I was terrified every time and it would be worse after the show. I couldn't sleep right away, I'd think about the show and every small mistake I made. They must think I'm lame. 


But I kept coming back, hoping that it'd get easier. Then... once it stopped being about love advice, I couldn't go back. I can't just come up with random ideas of things to talk about. Not when I'm being watched.. especially with how many people. It's like trying to make up a speech in front of the class, I can't do that. I choke. The fear overwhelms and consumes me. 


I suppose it's pathetic, it's definitely unreasonable to be so scared. Of people. Of podcasts and livestreams. I know it is, but I can't stop those feelings from arriving. I want to one day work up to doing those things again. I know that it will help me the more I'm uncomfortable. But I need very supportive and kind people, because it's easy to take steps back. Need encouraging people to help me improve. Like How Mickey once did, just simply believed in me without being pushy. 


I do want to be able to do livestreams without drinking, podcasts without choking... Ah, I hope one day. 


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