Update

As you can tell from my last blog that I was having a very hard time. But now, I feel better than ever. I feel more alive and have such a courage... that no one could break. They could try to kill me with their words, but I'd still float up into the sky. Let me explain how I've been. 



My anxiety didn't magically get fixed, I'm still having attacks but I'll explain why later. I've learned in this short time how to deal with judgement and how to fix friendships. I know that I sometimes some think of me as shallow, because I have a hard time opening up. But I am very deep and all you have to do is ask me. Ask me, and I will tell you everything. I've learned that people get confused by me. How I can write this. But to me, it is a diary, a diary I show the world. I feel wonderful whenever I write, but... I want to help people too. This blog isn't just for me. It's for you. To show you... if i can over come this, you can over come your problems too. My friend, Kodi, is actually writing a blog too. And she.. has more courage than I in her blog. I think you should also read hers, because... it takes a lot to be open to everyone. Though, it is easier to be open all at once. Instead of... individual people. But her and I are a lot alike. This is our steps of getting better. Of showing the world are most insecure thoughts. http://kidkhaos-mynotsoexcitinglife.blogspot.com/


Anyway, I feel wonderful. Inspired by her blogs and by what people have been tweeting me. @DramaFreak83  has told me how unashamed she is of her illness. how open she is about her depression and that has helped me beyond how I an explain. It gave me hope.. courage to be who I am. Even if I am mentally ill. I should never apologize. 


And @xSkittelzx is a friendship i thought lost, but was not! I tried my hardest to get her back. Because SHE is my ONLY close friend that is a girl. The one girl I feel like I can trust. Who will understand me. I just have problems with sharing with girls. Stupid, right? Yes! I want to have that beautiful relationship called BFF, but I get scared. Though, she is very understanding. And has forgiven me. I ignored her. Not on purpose. I'm really bad at.. time. I don't know when I'm ignoring someone, I don't. To me its just alone time. Where I need time to myself. which.. does mean i ignore people and yet she forgave me. That is really sweet, yes? I hope she understands how much her friendship means to me... even when I don't know how to say it. But i hope this helps, because I'm telling the world. The internet, that you mean a lot to me. You have anxiety, you cosplay... seems perfect to me. I think I can learn a lot from you, to learn to open up to girls. To be a little bit.. more.. normal. 


My mom..... she has agreed to help me get a therapist. We are going to go to a place where I got denied once. You see, we are VERY poor and canNOT afford a therapist... but there are suppose to be ones that go off income. (we are living in apts like that) but last time they denied me because of a phone interview. I am not a forceful person. very submissive. So when they told me "anxiety isnt sever enough to get this program" i said "okay." so, my mom thinks if she takes me there in person, it will be different. So that they can see. If not, we will get free therapy, from a church. I am christian, so church therapy would help still. 


My mom... is also not doing well. They said she has abnormal cells in her vagina and that she needs to get it checked out.It could be something like yeast infection or it could be cancer. my mom told me.. if something happened to her, that'd i'd take care of my brothers. That scares me. But ill try to be positive. 


So that's my update for now. I am happy. I feel wonderful.