Current Mood: Pathetic;
Hello! This isn't going to be a very positive blog post, I'm depressed. It feels like all the progress I've been making is gone and I took a mile backwards. I guess I wasn't able to handle it like I thought I could.
Since Friday, I've been overwhelmed by my stress. So badly that I've caused myself to get very ill. I'll stress out so bad during the day that at night I throw up, I get a migraine from hell and can't sleep for hours. Once I sleep, I don't want to wake up. Even feel like it would be better to sleep all day long and just stay that way. I've tried to calm myself down. I can't. My mind just swirls on everything negative.
I can't even cook a meal for people now, last night, I had a severe panic attack and just freaked out about cooking. Before, I could control my nervousness enough to make fucking food. But since I'm so stressed out, I'm more likely to freak out on.... every damn thing.
I thought I was doing so well, made such progress. Showing the world just how strong I was. And then... I get judged by ONE person negatively and I can't handle it? WTF. I should be able to get over that. I should be saying: "Who cares?" But I can't. I'm so obsessed with those horrible feelings. I can't think about anything else. I shouldn't care about being judged. Yeah, it's my social anxiety but I thought I was stronger than this. Why is it so hard for me? Why do I care so damn much what other people think? Why can't I just let it go? Why can't I just forget about the negative things said and look to ALL the positive things?
But no, instead I stress out so bad that I'm causing myself to be sick. Where at night I can't even look at a computer, because my vision is blurring from pain.
I wish I could just go to the doctor, but I can't afford it. I have no job. I've been even thinking about lately just going to check myself into a clinic. That way, I WILL get help for my anxiety. They can't turn me down like the other places have.... That way I can finally be on the right steps of getting better. Because, I thought I could do this by myself. With this blog, with the support from family and friends... but then all it takes is one person's opinion of me to throw me back into a corner? I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm sick of the stress. I'm sick of being scared.
Sigh. I don't know what to do. I don't know, guys. I've tried everything. I don't know if I should just check myself into a clinic or keep trying to do it by myself. Not sure if I have the strength to do this on my own.
Anyway, I'll be thinking about all this. Which means, I need a break from the internet. I need to calm down. I'm physically ill from the stress. I need time to get better. I need time to get over these horrible feelings. To not care about stupid situations. To not care what other people think. I need time to rest. I can't talk to people like this, it will make my anxiety sky rocket more than it is. So, I'm not ignoring everyone, I just need time to heal. I've taken a lot of steps backwards and I'm depressed about it. Please understand that I need time to myself, so that way I can come back and talk to people once again.
I might randomly post things on twitter, just so you know I'm still alive. But it will only be about video games I'm playing or things of that matter. Because that's what I do when I'm stressed out, I game. The only time I'll be on skype is to play some games of LoL. Please don't flood me with a million messages. Or don't get upset when I don't respond. It's not you. I just need time to myself.
Blah, bye guys or something. I don't know.
Progress is a funny thing, sometimes those steps backwards are the ones that really propel you further. What you're doing is extremely commendable and I am sorry to see that you've hit a snag. As someone who also has this issue, all I can say is, please just hang in there and keep your spirits high. There's been one quote that I've seen that has really made a great impact in my life, and its this - “One’s best success comes after their greatest disappointments.” - So keep that in mind and don't let someone who inconsiderately judged you wrong ruin all that progress you've made. =)
ReplyDeleteI'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
ReplyDeleteTake as long as you need. We all have these fights, in our ways. Figure out what works best for you and know that your friends and the people who care for you will be here, waiting to help you when you feel ready to return.
ReplyDeleteFirst let me say that I am actually surprised you have the anxiety issues that you do. This is not meant in any negative aspect whatsoever. My only experience with anything you've done until reading this was your participation on the LordKat stream, and I would not have guessed it in a million years. On there, your voice held confidence, kindness and wit that cannot be faked. It is still there right inside you even if you cannot readily access it. I very much hope that you can get what you need to get back on track towards your goals.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that someone was able to get in the way of your progress, and am glad to see the people that posted before me join in proving that we're not all ignorant and careless people. There are many who would stand with you, even if you need them to do so at a distance. :)
this is kind of more of just a funny thing to try and help you, but...haters make the world go 'round, and without haters then we would not be our own country(we hated the rules England kept making and ultimately ended up becoming free)
ReplyDeleteso just remember that no matter who you are, you will ALWAYS have haters no matter what you do.
P.S. Hope you get to feeling like your normal fun self again soon, and i would suggest the clinic just because these kinds of things are ALWAYS easier with people helping you wherever they can.
Rose, take it from someone who suffers from severe social anxiety, and has been sent to the hospital several times from bad panic attacks, you can't give up.
ReplyDeleteJust because you had a relapse, that doesn't mean you aren't still strong, or an inspiration to the rest of us like you, because you are.
Just a few months back I was in a new job, and had such severe anxiety from working with so many new people every day, that I ended up quitting the job. Needless to say, I was very disappointed with myself. But, here I am, back in school, and about to start a better job. So trust me when I say, things can change. That doesn't mean I'll never have a relapse again, I know I will, I know that I probably will. I know that I'm not great in big crowds. I know I don't handle social criticism well. I know I care way too much what others think of me. But I know that with support I can get through all that, and live my life.
So what I'm telling you now is, you have support. I'm here to support you, and I'm sure your family is too. So remember, even if some random asshole's opinion on the internet sends you into a relapse, you always have the support of others with your condition. Those of us who suffer the way you do, understand what you're going through. So if you need to take a break from the internet, then you do it.
If you need to vent, or talk through things, I'm usually around my PC. I can give you my messenger SNs or anything like that on Twitter. Otherwise, see you when you come back!