I don't like meeting new people.

This isn't like my normal posts, where I talk about SUBJECTS that bother me. This is a post how I feel currently. More like a blog. And the title refers to how I'm feeling currently. I will still talk about subjects and past events that have shaped me, but this is something I'm feeling right now. 



I went to the store yesterday to get food for the camping trip and it was going well. Except for that I'm feeding me, Spencer and Kodi on my family's food stamps. I wanted to spent 30-40 on it. Yeah, that's a lot to my family. But my mom lets me buy some food for camping, as long as I'm not paying for everyone. So we go on buying food and it comes to 60.... which is A LOT more than I expected. Spencer WANTED to take things off to make it cheaper. I know that was the right thing to do. But I couldn't. 


I started to freak out inside, I didn't want to have a cashier come up to take it off. (we are in a self check out) I felt too embarrassed. So embarrassed that I refused to take anything off. And payed the amount. I know my mom will be mad. I know it. However, I will be bringing back all the left overs and sharing it with my family. I know my mom will be mad, but I'd rather her be mad than have a cashier come over and take something off. That's fucking pathetic. Seriously. Spencer kept asking me "why don't we just take it off?" And I couldn't give a REAL reason. I just couldn't. I hope my mom isnt mad, I didnt mean to over spend.... I just couldn't take it all off. I just couldn't handle it. 


So, everything is fine, and I'm hanging out with Kodi by myself. She is actually sitting next to me. And I will admit it is scary. Freaks me out. I have trouble around people I don't know well. But she is fun and very funny. We are alike in our fear, which is funny. Because it still scares me to be around someone like me. But I know I need to keep doing stuff like this. It will make me better. It will teach me.


However, you can't take people with anxiety too far. Push us over the edge and we have an attack.. once an attack happens, the is no reasoning. We pretty much have a nervous breakdown. Which is why I'm fine NOW.... but I'm worried for the camping trip. There will be a total of 9 people. 2 people I never met, 2 people I don't know much of all. And I'm still nervous with hanging out with JoJo and Scott. But thats because it's been so long. I have to relearn to be comfortable with people after a long time of hanging out. But the other 4.... scares the shit out of me. I don't know how I will handle this. At all. 


Especially since it looks like I might be sharing the tent with.. my dog. I'm going to be on high emotions... Blah. I don't like meeting new people.