Being Judged, Trolled & Panic Attacks

Current Mood: Sad
Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time. I didn't expect to be judged by someone that I always liked. Sure, we all judge people but when it's in a very negative way it hurts. The same thing for being trolled, when someone just wants to make you feel awful. Both of these will give me an instant panic attack. 



With social phobia, we are constantly worried about being judged and looked down on. We obsess about it. We hate when someone think badly of us, especially when you try hard to put yourself in a positive light. I can mostly understand normal judgment, as in first impressions. Like if someone just looked at my twitter picture, they would probably assume I'm a nude cosplay model from Cosplay Deviants. I'm not, just flirty. I enjoy feeling sexy and I can see why people would assume that I'm being slutty. But if you took your time to talk to me, you'd know how loyal and romantic I am. We aren't just one dimensional. (Also, I love cosplay deviants and anyone who is apart of that, go for them! I like how they have the balls to show themselves nude to the world! Especially in a nerdy fashion!)


^ That right there is one of the reasons why I don't have many friends that are girls. They assume just because I'm a pervert, that I'm a whore. While men understand that I'm joking. Women tend to take things like that very seriously and ALWAYS judge what other women wear. Even as I was growing up, I'd hear it. "look how low-cut her shirt it, she is a slut!" "Those shorts are too short, she must be easy!" Just because a woman likes to show her figure, does not mean they are porn stars. You see more skin when you go swimming. >.>; So, I can never have girlfriends because I like to cosplay flrty. Unless they are like me. My friend JoJo likes to dress up, we always do it together and that bonds us just because of that. But these are also the type of girls who think strippers are bad, and usually call them diseased. Never hate on someone because they like their body. Don't judge them on that. Or if it's your pet-peeve, then ignore them and don't look at them. There is no need to call them names or be rude just because you disagree on how they dress. 


Though, when someone judges me who I think should know me better, it causes me to freak out. "Why would they think that?" "Can't they see how honest I'm being?" "I'm not like that, don't understand why they would think that!" "What did I do wrong to deserve that?" 


And the same for when I'm purposely being trolled. I'll cry and get upset because I try to be very personal on the internet. I show all of me, even the bad. This is why I write these blogs, to show people who I really am and what my thoughts are. It makes my nerves go mad, because of the constant fear of being judged. But just because I'm scared, doesn't mean I'm going to pretend to be someone I'm not. Doesn't mean I'll stop cosplaying because some people think I'm being too naughty. Yeah, I'll get panic attacks when someone misunderstands or misjudged me, but at least I know that I'm being truthful to who I am. 


I have 'chivalry' tattooed on my spine for a reason. To remind myself to be a good person, to be strong, to help others and don't let people push me around. 


And I have to say that I'm proud that I'm writing this right now, because I'm shaking still. I didn't sleep and just rolled around in bed in a nervous, hot mess. But I will over-come this and I'll learn to not let trolls or people misjudging me get to me. One day, I'll not care what others think. One day.