Today has been a nervous day for me. Sometimes there won't be any reason and I'll just be anxious all day. Other times I don't want to say what is making me nervous. Usually because I don't want to upset others or make them feel bad.
Today I just couldn't play and normals or dominion on LoL. I played one bot game and had to log off. Once I'm panicky, small things can set me over the top and that's how I knew I had to step away from everything. I took a nap! The nap calmed me down for the most part, except that my mind kept going in circles. I couldn't stop thinking. (which sounds funny, but it's not good to think about negative things.)
Instead I decided to focus on bettering myself with all this energy. I decided I should send out two messages on facebook to some people I was thinking about. I have a hard time opening up with the good too. Not just when someone upsets me. I don't like to tell someone when I appreciate them. Some thoughts I go through: What if they think I'm being too cheesy? What if I creep them out with trying to be serious? Will they think I'm weird that I'm saying all these compliments? What will they think of me when I tell them how I feel? Will they abandon me? Will they make fun of me? Will they just blow me off? Will it be awkward talking to them after?
Because of these fears, I don't tell people how I feel. I'd rather be safe. I'd rather just keep my thoughts to myself and have things stay the same. Which means, them not knowing me all the way. And that isn't having a healthy friendship with others. I've always done this.
And right now I'm freaking out by just sending two messages. Positive, happy messages. And I'm still scared on what the response are going to be. I'm having trouble not crying. I'm having bad thoughts right now. Maybe I shouldn't have been so open? Maybe I should just stay inside and joke around all the time. People will like me more if I don't do these blogs. If I don't write cheesy messages it. No one wants to know what I really think or how I feel. No one wants to hear me complain.
Sigh. I know that's just bad. If people can't accept me for who I am they aren't worth it... but its hard... to put yourself out there. To say how you feel. To be rejected.
I think that you have taken a large and positive step forward in your life.
ReplyDeleteYou have faced a deep and dark fear that not many can relate to. There aren't many people who have the courage to face their fears, I hope that you can feel proud of yourself for this step =)
I don't suffer from social anxiety however I have a very similar thought process to you when it comes to opening up about feelings or making decision. For me, I over analyse absolutely everything.
It makes even the simplest of tasks (for those of the "norm") feel far more difficult and complicated than they need to be..so I/we avoid them all together.
Each day you are honest about yourself and about your feeling you will become stronger.
Never be afraid to be yourself. The hardest part is being able to -accept- yourself. This is extremely difficult to do but your life will change when you find peace with yourself.
A quote I read somewhere online a long long time ago that really helped me;
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Tak xx
Thank you writing this comment! I'm glad someone understands about opening up. I just tend to worry way too much what others think or what they think of me. So I'll try to be what they want me to be instead of being honest with them/myself. I'm trying to work on that. I really like that quote you wrote, ill think of it whenever im struggling. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are most welcome lovely! I am glad you like the quote, I am rather fond of it myself.
ReplyDelete"So I'll try to be what they want me to be instead of being honest with them/myself. " <-- I used to be exactly the same and I suppose a part of me is still like that.
I see so much of myself in you - which is a strange concept because usually I feel so..broken and have never met anyone who understands the way I work.